By Molly Pereira, CDA Associate Executive Director
From the Winter 2021 Journal of the Colorado Dental Association
“We should get together sometime.”
“Sounds great, I’d love that. I’ll talk with you soon!”
End result: Neither party called the other, there were no hard feelings and both parties checked the, “I was a good friend” box.
This is a common way adults end phone conversations or random grocery store encounters or brief passing-by meetings. It might sound polite and friendly but it’s really just a passive aggressive way to end a conversation with pleasantries. I am absolutely guilty of doing this. I’m a people pleaser and I just like everyone to be happy (cue unicorns and rainbows).
I’ve been working from home for the better part of a year with two kids also at home remote learning. We all work within 8-12 yards of each other and I’ve learned quickly that my daily actions and reactions are always on display. Likewise, so are theirs and I get to hear more of their daily conversations with their friends and classmates than I typically would if the world was “in person.” [As a sidenote, I would highly recommend taking a 5th grade math class in your spare time—it’s both a feeling of entertaining déjà vu and horrifying panic that you legitimately don’t know how to divide decimals on paper anymore.]
My kids aren’t allowed screen time during the week unless it’s a video call to talk with their friends. They can, however, have two-and-a-half hours of screen time on weekends including Friday. So, needless to say, screen time is like gold currency to them (but in a zombie brain cell eating way). On Fridays after school, at 3:01 p.m., I start hearing the video call chimes from friends ready to play Minecraft and Fortnight with my kids. And then I watch their internal struggles as they try to figure out what game they want to play and who they want to play with for their coveted two-and-a-half hours. I didn’t think much of it until I started hearing things like, “I’ll play with you a little later, I promise… I’ll play with you in an hour… I’ll play with you in a little bit…” But then a little later, an hour or a little bit never happened. This became their way of gently letting the other person down without guilt or sounding mean. They were doing that thing that adults do. But there was a kid on the other end of that conversation waiting for “a little later or an hour or a little bit.” And when I caught this happening, my heart hurt for that kid.
You can’t make fake promises to kids. They’re literal. They rely on promises and they love to look forward to things. My kids had learned how to pleasantly get themselves out of a commitment they never intended to be in by avoiding direct communication. They didn’t even know they were doing it. My kids are kind and thoughtful, and don’t like to hurt feelings but by using kind words, feelings were being hurt through broken “commitments.”
In the dental industry, we’re all varying degrees of people pleasers. Dentists, in particular, are people pleasers who want to help others and be sure their patients are happy with the outcomes of their treatment. People pleasing makes us likeable and being likeable feels good. That said, it can also come with a price, which can vary from overcommitment, overpromising, reluctance, exhaustion and sacrifice. And then when your people pleasing paints you into a corner you either feel one of the above-described items and the person continues to contact you with frequency, or you don’t deliver, which can make the other party think differently of you. And that negates all your people pleasing in the first place.
We need to be ok with saying, “no.” This isn’t a new concept; there are tons of books and resources about this but it’s harder to practice it than to read about it. The beauty of “no,” which can still be said with kindness, is that it immediately frees you of what you didn’t want to do or had the capacity to do while communicating honestly to the other person. Once it’s done, you’re free of guilt and the extra weight on your shoulders. The other person has closure and will respect your situation, even if they don’t like it. If you lead the other person on with a “maybe” or “someday” answer they will continue to pursue you (only adding to your guilt) and eventually give up and think differently of your character. I’ve been on both sides of this conversation. If I ask someone to volunteer for an event or a committee and they agree to it but then don’t show or don’t participate, it’s disappointing to me. However, if I ask someone and they tell me they’re not able to take the task on, I may be disappointed, but I respect their prompt reply and honest consideration. If someone invites me (a self-proclaimed introvert) to a party where I won’t really know anyone and I reply with “maybe” or don’t reply at all, I feel unneeded pressure from the situation, and they feel annoyed because they can’t plan for a proper headcount. And it’s just rude.
Most people don’t want to disappoint others and have the confidence that they can “do it all.” But there is a cap on hours in a day and days in a week. We each have a capacity of what we can handle before something inadvertently slips, stress takes over happiness or our “why” is forgotten.
Everyone is entitled to two-and-a-half hours of their gold currency equivalent. Make this year a year where you not only people please, but you please yourself by recognizing your limits, ending conversations with intentional comments and saying “no” to things you don’t want to do (unless it’s laundry—saying no to that has consequences).